For years I have purposely isolated myself from people. I have been hurt so many times and I just couldn't stand the thought of it happening again.
The last few months have been the worst. I literally only leave my house to go to the grocery store or doctors appointments. I don't drive. My mom takes me to get groceries and I'm on disability so I have medical transportation to take me to appointments.
Being alone 24/7 is unexplainable. It's past loneliness that I feel. A lot of my time is spent just laying in bed. I have the tv on, but I don't really watch. I just try to clear my mind. I lay here with my eyes closed and hope that sleep will take it away for a while. If it wasn't for my mom and my daughter I can tell you without a doubt that I would end it all in a heartbeat, but I can't do that to them.
I have a few medical issues, but as for my mental health my diagnosis is severe depression, PTSD, general anxiety disorder and panic attacks. I'm getting to the point where I cancel doctors appointments too. I can't deal with the thought of getting in a car with a stranger to go to an appointment, sitting in a waiting room, talking to my doctors about things they have no answers for, waiting for a ride home, then getting in another car with a stranger to go home.
I go on facebook and post stuff sometimes. My only friends are on facebook. I think I have 30 something friends on there, but really it's mostly people I don't talk to. I have given up on trying to explain my problems to people because they don't understand. People think I just need to be stronger and they're right, but nobody can tell me how or where to find that strength.
A few weeks back I got a friend request from someone and I didn't recognize the name. Usually I ignore this, but for some reason I responded. I simply asked if we knew each other and explained I didn't recognize the name. It turns out it was someone I knew as a teenager. Him and I started to chat and didn't stop. I found myself opening up to him and telling him things I don't tell anyone. He was lonely too and did the same. We both live in the same city so he asked me if we could meet in person and hang out. I explained that I have a hard time socializing so he needed to give me time. Eventually I agreed to meet him. We really hit it off. There was a definate connection there. But he is married. Too make a long story short I fell for the "I'm not happy at home and I'm leaving my wife" story. I told him not to leave because of me. He said he had wanted to leave for a long time, but just didn't have the strength and having someone to talk to gave him that.
I didn't want to be a homewrecker, but this guy was obviously in pain and it all just happened so fast. So I guess a lot of people would say I got what I deserved, but it didn't get physical with him until after he told his wife. I know he told her because she called me and tried to tell me that he was lying to me about things. He got on another extention and told her that he didn't want me involved, but he also cleared up any doubts that I had while we were all three on the phone.
For someone who is alone most of the time this was all too much for me to handle. I told him I liked spending time with him, but I couldn't tell him things would go anywhere with us because it was too soon. He was over here every chance he got and when he was not here we were on the phone or chatting online. I felt a sense of hope that I hadn't felt in a long time and when we were together everything was good, but when he wasn't here my anxiety was in overdrive. All these questions and concerns in my head. Even though I had told him not to leave because of me I knew that was why he was doing it. I wondered if he was thinking clearly or just acting on the newness and excitement of everything. Would I be able to make him happy once he was single? Would he actually leave?
I got my answer on friday. He came over in the morning, but ended up having to leave. When I hadn't heard from him for a few hours I tried reaching him online and found out I had been blocked! Just like that! No explanation, nothing. I tried calling and nobody would answer.
I feel like someone yanked my heart out. As lonely as it was I had grown used to being alone. Now I have to learn it all over. I miss him. I miss having someone hold my hand, tell me it was going to be ok, let me lay my head on his shoulder. I love the way it made me feel so much. Nothing compares to the peace it brought me. I wish I could go back and never respond to him. I had come to accept being alone and now I feel completely lost and even more afraid of the world than I was before.
